12. Healing and Special Relationships Workshop 12 based on "A Course In Miracles"


             Have you ever noticed how we are happy when specific people are near us, and we are un-happy when they are far away?  The nearness of physical bodies seems to be a determiner of our happiness.  We are also happy when specific people say and do things we have decided we like, and are un-happy when they behave in ways we do not approve of.  Our joy also seems to depend on how these bodies behave. 
            No one seems to question why this is so.  And we all engage in this thinking all the time.
            And once certain bodies agree to be in a “special relationship” with us, it becomes an even trickier balance game between us.  It becomes a constant balance between conflict and peace.  We are constantly going back and forth between being happy with the other person’s words and actions, or upset with them. 
            We have all accepted this as normal behavior when it comes to relationships. 
            As human beings on this planet, we all share this common problem.  We have difficulty maintaining peace in our relationships.  It doesn’t matter what type of relationship it is.  It could be a parent, child, spouse, sexual partner, coworker or a sibling relationship.  No one on the planet escapes the difficulties of trying to experience peace with the people that populate their lives.
            Yet, it seems that the most difficult relationship, is the romantic relationship.  This one carries the most expectation for our happiness.  In finding “the one” we are told we will feel complete and happy at last.  It is this special relationship where, for some reason, out of the millions of people on this planet, we have decided that this specific person will now become responsible for our happiness.
            In A Course In Miracles, this is called the “special relationship.”  We are also told it is also our final lesson to overcome before becoming spiritually awakened.
            And it is this relationship that A Course In Miracles says we must let go of. 
            I was disappointed in this idea at first, when I read it in A Course In Miracles.  I didn’t want to “let my special relationships go,” because it was so thrilling to my ego to be “special” to someone.  But, A Course In Miracles also states that we need not give these relationships up.  Not at all!  Our job is to heal them.  Our job is to give them over to the Holy Spirit to be transformed from “special relationships,” into holy relationships
            What is a holy relationship?
            The holy relationship is a relationship of giving and receiving love, as God loves us; a love without conditions, restraint, guilt or judgment.  It is an entirely painless relationship for everyone involved.  It is a love that does not change with time and circumstance.

            The holy relationship says, “You are mine because I see you as a part of my One Self, joined in One Holy Mind.  But when I see you through my ego, you appear as a separate body from me, and I can only see what you say and do with it.  This causes me endless desperation and pain because I want to control what you say and do with your body.  I will try to do this through using guilt.  This causes us both to suffer, therefore, I must relinquish the need to control you in order to be happy.  I do this through ceasing to see you as a body.  I forgive myself for seeing you as separate from me.  I desire to change my thinking, so I can stop hurting you and myself.  I want our relationship to be happy and at peace.  I want to heal my mind so that I can see the truth in you.  You and I are part of One Love, One Spirit, and One Mind.  Since you and I share the same Mind, as I heal myself, you are healed also.  And together we will experience peace.”  

            A special relationship is one driven forward by the ego. 

            The ego seeks separation and conflict.  A holy relationship is one peacefully lead ahead by the Holy Spirit.  This is a relationship that seeks union and peace.

            You know the type of relationship you have, by how you feel.

            If you want to transform you special relationship into a holy one, you must abandon the ego.  You must choose peace instead of conflict.  You start to do this by observing the situation without judgment – you step back and become an observer of yourself and your actions.  You look at what you are doing and saying to the other person objectively.

            You then seek to express yourself without attack, accusations, or guilt.  You cease all forms of attack and choose peace instead.  You decide you no longer want pain and guilt.  You want peace.

            It is then that you have invited the Holy Spirit to enter and transform your “special relationship” into a holy one.

            The shift in thinking from conflict to peace is your final obstacle you must overcome in order to spiritually awaken and end your incarnations here.
ACIM T.pg.341 Chapter 16 V. The Choice for Completion
            “In looking at the special relationship, it is necessary first to realize that it involves a great amount of pain.  Anxiety, despair, guilt and attack all enter into it, broken into by periods in which they seem to be gone.  All these must be seen understood for what they are.  Whatever form they take, they are always an attack on the self to make the other guilty.”  (1.1-4)
            “Very simply the attempt to make guilty is always directed against God.”  (2.1)
            “The special love relationship is the ego’s chief weapon for keeping you from Heaven.”  (2.3)
            “The special love relationship is the ego’s most boasted gift, and one which has the most appeal to those unwilling to relinquish guilt.”  (3.1)
            “It is in the special love relationship, born of the hidden wish for special love from God, that the ego’s hatred triumphs.  For the special relationship is the renunciation of the Love of God, and the attempt to secure for the self the specialness that He denied.”  (4.1-2)
            “If you perceived the special relationship as a triumph over God, would you want it?”  (10.1)

* * *
            The special relationship is our ego’s feeble substitute for the love of God.  His love is always shining within us, but our awareness of it has been blocked by our ego attempts to find it outside of us, in the form of a “special relationship” with another human being. 
            And so we search the world over for happiness in special love relationships, when all along we carry it within us, and have only to accept it.  We do not need a special body to be near us.  We do not even need a body at all in order to have peace, love and joy.
ACIM T.pg.345 Chapter 16 VI. The Bridge to the Real World
            “The special relationship is totally meaningless without a body.  If you value it, you must also value the body.  And what you value you will keep.  The special relationship is a device for limiting your self to a body, and for limiting your perception of others to theirs.  The Great Rays would establish the total lack of value of the special relationship, if they were seen.  For in seeing them the body would disappear, because its value would be lost.”  (4.1-6)
            “You see the world you value.  On this side of the bridge you see the world of separate bodies, seeking to join each other in separate unions and to become one by losing.”  (5.1-2)
            “Across the bridge it is so different!  For a time the body is still seen, but not exclusively, as it is seen here.  The little spark that holds the Great Rays within it is also visible, and this spark cannot be limited long to littleness.  Once you have crossed the bridge, the value of the body is so diminished in your sight that you will see no need at all to magnify it.”  (6.1-4)
            “The bridge itself is nothing more than a transition in the perspective of reality.”  (7.1)
            “In the transition there is a period of confusion, in which a sense of actual disorientation may occur.  But fear it not, for it means only that you have been wiling to let go your hold on the distorted frame of reference that seemed to hold your world together.  This frame of reference is built around the special relationship.  Without this illusion there could be no meaning you would still seek here.”  (7.4-7)
* * *
            Without a body the special love relationship is completely meaningless, this much is obvious.  However, while we are in these bodies, what are we to do about the urge to find “special love” in one another and not use it as a device to block us from awakening?  How do we heal these special relationships and transform them into holy relationships?
            The answer lies in changing what we think the purpose of our relationships should be. 
ACIM T.pg.357 Chapter 17 IV. The Two Pictures
            “God established His relationship with you to make you happy, and nothing you do that does not share His purpose can be real.  The purpose God ascribed to anything is its only function.  Because of His reason for creating His relationship with you, the function of relationships became forever “to make happy.”  And nothing else.”  (1.1-4)
            “I have said repeatedly that the Holy Spirit would not deprive you of your special relationships, but would transform them.  And all that is meant by that is that He will restore to them the function given them by God.  The function you have given them is clearly not to make happy.”  (2.3-5)
            “Every special relationship you have made has, as its fundamental purpose, the aim of occupying your mind so completely that you will not hear the call for truth.”  (3.3)
            “And the truth is that the Holy Spirit is in close relationship with you, because in Him is your relationship with God restored to you.  The relationship with Him has never been broken, because the Holy Spirit has not been separate from anyone since the separation.  And through Him have all your holy relationships been carefully preserved, to serve God’s purpose for you.”  (4.5-7)
* * *
            So the ego’s purpose for the special relationship is to so occupy our minds so completely that we think of little else.  The ego is using it to divert our attention away from our peace and awakening and the remembrance of our love for God.
            In order to overcome this, we must change the purpose of our special relationships to the purpose God awards them: “To make happy.”
            What does it mean, “to make happy?”
            We think we are doing this in our relationship already, right?  Don’t we seek partnership with others to feel happy?
            No no.  Think about the words quoted above.  The ego seeks special relationships to make itself happy.  But the Holy Spirit seeks relationships to make others happy.
            The ego is a taker, and the Holy Spirit is a giver. 
            See the difference?
            The ego has made our relationships into obsessions.  Obsessions with what we can get out of the situation.  We are constantly judging what our partner is doing, saying and thinking and how it is making us feel.  We are deciding on an ever-ongoing basis whether we like or dislike what our partner is doing and whether or not it is making us happy.
            If God created a relationship with us “to make happy,” and this forever became the purpose of every relationship thereafter, then our thinking needs to shift to: “How can I make others happy?”
            Now the goal of the relationship is shifted to the exact opposite of what it once was.  Rather than seeking to take, we are seeking to give. 
            And exactly what is it we should be giving the other person? 

            The answer is not what you think.  

            The answer is something we all want universally: PEACE.

            We want peace.  We are so very happy when we are at peace with others! This is the only thing we should ever give anyone in any relationship!

            How do we do this?

            The old way of being in a relationship – conflict - must first be un-learned as the new idea of being at peace is embraced; and this may cause our relationship some initial discomfort.
ACIM T.pg.362 Chapter 17 V. The Healed Relationship
            “The holy relationship, a major step toward the perception of the real world, is learned.  It is the old, unholy relationship, transformed and seen anew.  The holy relationship is a phenomenal teaching accomplishment.”  (2.1-3)
            “Be comforted in this; the only difficult phase is the beginning.  For here, the goal of the relationship is abruptly shifted to the exact opposite of what it was.  This is the first result of offering the relationship to the Holy Spirit, to use for His purposes.”  (5-7)
            “The invitation is accepted immediately, and the Holy Spirit wastes no time in introducing the practical results of asking Him to enter.  At once His goal replaces yours.  This is accomplished very rapidly, but it makes the relationship seem disturbed, disjunctive and even quite distressing.  The reason is quite clear.  For the relationship as it is, is out of line with its own goal, and clearly unsuited to the purpose that has been accepted for it.  In its unholy condition, your goal was all that seemed to give it meaning.  Now it seems to make no sense.  Many relationships have been broken off at this point, and the pursuit of the old goal re-established in another relationship.  For once the unholy relationship has accepted the goal of holiness, it can never again be what it was.”  (3.1-9)
* * *
            According to the above quote then, once you switch the goal of your relationship from “how can they make me happy” (conflict) to “how can I make them happy” (peace) it will often times seem to fall apart. 
            This is because the relationship cannot remain as it once was once under the new guidance of the Holy Spirit.  You will immediately see the imbalance the ego placed upon you both, and you will no longer be attracted to the situation as it once was.  This is because you will see the un-holiness of it.  You will clearly see the pain and suffering the relationship was bringing you, and you will desire it no more.  Yet, even if physical separation seems to be the result of the relationship at this point, do not fear.  Peace will be found; whether bodies are together or not.
(Continued from the above quote)
            “The conflict between the goal (peace) and the structure (conflict) of the relationship is so apparent that they cannot coexist.  Yet now the goal will not be changed.  Set firmly in the unholy relationship, there is no course except to change the relationship to fit the goal.  Until this happy solution is seen and accepted as the only way out of the conflict, the relationship may seem to be severely strained.”  (4.3-6)
            “As this change develops and is finally accomplished, it grows increasingly beneficent and joyous.  But at the beginning, the situation is experienced as very precarious.”  (5.3-4)
            “This is the time for faith.  You let this goal be set for you.  That was an act of faith.  Do not abandon faith, now that the rewards of faith are being introduced.  If you believed the Holy Spirit was there to accept the relationship, why would you now not still believe that He is there to purify what He has taken under His guidance?  Have faith in your brother in what but seems to be a trying time.  The goal is set.  And your relationship has sanity as its purpose.”  (6.1-8)
* * *
            And so even though your relationship seems to have gotten worse instead of better under your new goal of peace, have faith in the Holy Spirit’s power to heal and transform your situation.  Remember that you are no longer being forcefully driven ahead by the ego, but gently lead forward by the Holy Spirit – joining with His Will, Who knows what will truly make you happy. 

            Do not mistake any change in your relationship for failure!
ACIM T.pg.382 Chapter 18 V. The Happy Dream
            "Some of your greatest advances you have judged as failures, and some of your deepest retreats you have evaluated as success." (1.6)
            "Happy dreams come true, not because they are dreams, but only because they are happy.  And so they must be loving.  Their message is, "Thy Will be done," and not, "I want it otherwise." (4.1-3)
            "It is no dream to love your brother as yourself." (5.1)
            "It will become the happy dream through which He can spread joy to thousands on thousands who believe that love is fear, not happiness." (5.5)
            "When you feel the holiness of your relationship is threatened by anything, stop instantly and offer the Holy Spirit your willingness, in spite of fear, to let Him exchange this instant for the holy one that you would rather have." (6.1)
            "The power of joining its blessing lies in the fact that it is now impossible for you or your brother to experience fear alone, or to attempt to deal with it alone." (6.4)
            "Yet just as this is impossible, so is it equally impossible that the holy instant come to either of you without the other.  And it will come to both at the request of either." (6.6-7)
            "Let him remember this, and say:
            I desire this holy instant for myself, that I may share it with my brother, whom I love.
            It is not possible that I can have it without him, or he without me.
            Yet it is wholly possible for us to share it now.
            And so I choose this instant as the one to offer to the Holy Spirit, that His blessing may descend on us, and keep us both in peace." (7.2-6)
* * *
            In every situation where the peace of your relationship is threatened, remember that above all else, you want peace.  Simply ask for peace, and keep it set firmly as your goal, and it will be given you and your relationship.  Through remembering peace as your goal, you ask for the holy instant; the moment of your release from pain and suffering. 
            You have sought for peace through endless means associated with the body: through its health, acquisition of wealth, affairs and romances… all to no avail.  None of these things has ever brought anyone lasting happiness.  Why?  Because the world does not know what will make you happy and neither can it give you what you truly deserve.  Everything in the world must be returned to it upon our exit from this place.  Including the body.  Nothing can be taken with us when we leave.  This is why the body will never be a source of true happiness for us.  Only what is eternal can truly bring eternal happiness.  In fact, we must shift our focus away from striving for anything in our relationships at all.  In truth, we need do nothing.  To cease to “strive” in a relationship is a relationship at peace in the present moment.  In truth, we need do nothing in order to be happy, for we already carry the Eternal Love of God within us.  

           And Eternal Love has nothing to do with the body at all.
ACIM T.pg.388 Chapter 18 VII. I Need Do Nothing
            "You still have too much faith in the body as a source of strength.  What plans do you make that do not involve its comfort or protection or enjoyment in some way?" (1.1-2)
            "There is one thing that you have never done; you have not utterly forgotten the body." (2.1)
            "At no single instant does the body exist at all.  It is always remembered or anticipated, but never experienced just now.  Only its past and future make it seem real." (3.1-3)
            "It is impossible to accept the holy instant without reservation unless, just for an instant, you are willing to see no past or future." (4.1)
            "Many have spent a lifetime in preparation, and have indeed achieved their instants of success.  This course does not attempt to teach more than they learned in time, but it does aim at saving time." (4.4-5)
            "Your way will be different, not in purpose but in means.  A holy relationship is a means of saving time.  One instant spent together with your brother restores the universe to both of you.  You are prepared.  Now you need but to remember you need do nothing." (5.1-5)
            "Save time for me by only this one preparation, and practice doing nothing else.  “I need do nothing" is a statement of allegiance, a truly undivided loyalty.  Believe it for one instant, and you will accomplish more than is given to a century of contemplation, or of struggle against temptation." (6.7-8)
            "To do anything involves the body.  And if you recognize you need do nothing, you have withdrawn the body's value from your mind.  Here is the quick and open door through which you slip past centuries of effort, and escape from time." (7.1-3)
            “To do nothing is to rest, and make a place within you where the activity of the body ceases to demand attention.”  (7.7)
            "This quiet center, in which you do nothing, will remain with you, giving you rest in the midst of every busy doing on which you are sent." (8.3)
            “It is this center, from which the body is absent, that will keep it so in your awareness of it.”  (8.5)

* * *
            Let us never forget why we attempt to create special relationships to begin with.  It is the attempt by the ego to re-create our relationship of perfect union with God.  Yet, bodies can never unite us as Spirit does.  This is why these special relationships cause us so much pain.  Through them, we attempt the impossible and it never works. 
            So the purpose of every relationship is to “make happy” and we must shift our thinking from conflict to peace.
            We choose peace over conflict by “doing nothing.”
            To “do nothing” is to allow.  It is to rest in peace.
            Think how you feel when your partner does nothing but allows you to be as you are, with no expectations, no guilt, and no judgment of you? 
            You feel happy. 
            Why not give this?  Why not cease to judge everything they do with their body and instead allow them to “just be?”
            At first, the relationship may seem to be strained or may even end.  Allow this.  Be okay with this shift.  Do nothing to stop it. 
            Then watch as the Holy Spirit works the miracle of healing in your life and transforms your special relationship into a holy one.
            A holy relationship where there are no expectations, no demands and no guilt.  You give love unconditionally and therefore unconditional love will be reflected back.  If this love is not possible between you and your partner at this time, do not worry.  Healing will come, and peace will be found.  However, it may not be in the form or the body you expect or even think you want.
            One thing we must not forget; we are never angry for the reasons we think. 
            Why is anyone ever angry or upset to begin with? 
            We are unhappy because we are not at peace.
            I am not trying to be funny here.  It sounds almost too simple to believe.
            We are unhappy because we are not at peace
            All the differing causes of our anger, hurt, pain or upset feelings do not matter.  The result is the same.  We are unhappy because we are not at peace.  What difference does it make what we have decided the cause to be?  Ultimately, we are angry because we are not at peace. 
            And it is our unhappy relationships that keep calling us back to this world again and again.  Our un-resolved conflicts are the reason we have to return to these bodies over and over, life after life. 
            We cannot leave here with one conflict between us or we will be destined to come back and heal it.
            We may do this for thousands of lifetimes, crawling along a mostly horizontal and painfully slow ascent towards our spiritual awakening. 
            We can “go vertical” instantly - in a holy instant through healing these relationships now

            The only thing you have to do to heal every conflict you’ve ever had with any person alive or dead is:

            Release everyone from being responsible for your happiness.
            In this single decision to do this one thing do we instantly end our incarnations here.  In this single decision do we release everyone.  It is the quick way to heal every relationship we’ve ever had, with this one simple shift in thinking: Release everyone from the cycle of conflict in which we are holding them.  Release everyone from the burden of being responsible for your happiness.
            This is true forgiveness.  This is true freedom.  This is forgiveness and freedom from the burden of guilt felt from being responsible for your happiness.  This is the gift of happiness you can give in every relationship you have.  It is total release from the ego.  You “need do nothing” except this “giving.”  And it is this type of “giving” that mirrors the type of Love God has for us.  You have released everyone from your ego demands for happiness and literally given them the Love of God instead.  It is something you can do now – instantly – in a holy instant you can have a holy relationship.
            So every time you feel a twinge of discomfort or any form of pain or conflict in your relationship, remind yourself of this:
             I release this person from the responsibility of my happiness.  My happiness is not outside of me.  It is within me and I claim it now by releasing the world outside myself from being responsible for my happiness and hereby give this responsibility over to the Holy Spirit instead.
            Through the relinquishment of the responsibility of your happiness from others, you draw in acceptance of what is, and give forgiveness.  You will know if you have truly forgiven by the level of peace that you feel. 
            Release = Peace
            This release is a way of seeing people through the eyes of Christ.  A Course In Miracles calls it “Christ Vision.”  This type of seeing is non-judgmental and it is only through non-judgment that the Holy Spirit can step in and make all your relationships holy.
            Remember: the second we are unhappy, it is because someone has done something or said something our ego doesn’t like.  Then we try to force these people to change their behavior through becoming angry and upset in a variety of ways, in order to manipulate them into behaving the way we want through guilt and fear.
            And they are doing the same thing to us.
            The way out of this is to remember we are never upset for the reasons we think.  We are upset by a world that is incapable of making us happy, and we are trying to force it to do so.  We are upset because we are not at peace.
            No one should be responsible for anyone else’s happiness when we can’t even find it for ourselves.
            So who should be in charge of our peace and happiness? 
            Surely not ourselves, because we know our way alone is of the ego and the ego wants to assign this responsibility to others. 
            The answer is: the Holy Spirit.  He has always been The Answer. 
            You choose Him as the Answer by making the decision for peace and releasing everyone from the responsibility of your happiness.        
            This is a choice only you can make.  It is the choice between conflict and peace. 
            When we choose the conflict of a special relationship we are saying, “I want you to do as I demand, because then I think I will be at peace.  I may hurt you if you do not comply, because I myself am hurting.  I am not at peace and so I have projected the reasons for this onto you.”
            People have been murdered for this.  In fact, whole wars have been fought over “hurt feelings.”  All conflict anywhere and everywhere throughout the ages has been because of our feelings towards one another!
            The only way out of this conflict is to cease all judgment of others.  Do not judge what they do, because they are not the cause of your suffering.
            You are - through choosing to side with the ego.
            And you can also end your own suffering, through choosing to listen to another Voice within you: The Holy Spirit.  His is the Voice for peace.
            Cease all outside blame and go within.  Ask yourself, “What do I really want?  Do I want peace or pain and suffering?”
            If you still want the latter, then by all means, continue to blame others for the way you feel.  But if you want the first choice, how do you find it within?
            As stated above, it comes from forgiveness.
            Forgive yourself for not being at peace.  Forgive the world outside yourself for not bringing it to you.  Forgive all people for being poor caretakers of your peace, for neither have you been a good caretaker of theirs. 
            Now, at last, you have opened yourself to receive peace and happiness as given by the Holy Spirit.  Now you have gone within to find it and are ready to have your special relationships transformed into holy ones.
            Whenever your peace is threatened, remember:

            I release this person from the responsibility of my happiness.  My happiness is not outside of me.  It is within me and I claim it now by releasing the world outside myself from being responsible for my happiness and hereby give this responsibility over to the Holy Spirit instead.
            People are not our emotional hostages.  Neither do we want to be their evil dictator.  Because when someone feels like a hostage, they want to run from the evil dictator.
            At this point, you may have some difficult questions that need answering.  I know you do, because at this point, so did I.
            What should we do if a loved one is having an affair?  Or has a drinking problem?  Or is gambling all our money away?  Or is abusive?  Do we just lie down and take it?  Do we just say “Well I want peace, so in order to keep it, I suppose I must find a way to be okay with this.”
            No.  Absolutely not.  This is the last thing you should do.  Do not be okay with these behaviors, because what they are doing is seeking peace in situations outside themselves; the very thing you are trying not to do yourself!
            Do not support them in these activities!  You do not have to condone non-peace seeking behavior.  Do not add to the drama of the ego by “being okay” with it.  
            Neither should you increase guilt by judging or attacking them- an ego tactic used to maintain conflict and avoid peace.
            So what should we do?
            We simply must withdraw from the conflict.  What this means is, we need to step back from the situation and release all judgment.  When you suspend all judgment and cease to make anyone feel guilty for your unhappiness, a miracle occurs.            

           When you cease to condemn, and withdraw your mind from conflict, you invite the Holy Spirit to enter your relationship.
            And when the Holy Spirit enters, He will heal the situation, transforming it into a holy relationship. 
            Then, something miraculous happens. 
            Perhaps the one who would have had an affair suddenly chooses to stay at home.  Maybe the person, who craved alcohol to escape their misery, will put down the bottle.  The gambler may see the futility of wasting any more money.  And the person, whose hand was raised to strike you, reaches out to embrace you instead.  (However, if you find yourself under immediate physical threat, by all means, leave that situation immediately!)
            There is no telling how the Holy Spirit will transform your special relationship.  Your only job is to allow Him to do it and accept the outcome of peace as it is given.
            The thing about peace is, it returns to its source.  When you give peace, it returns to you.  Like attracts like!  Peace is altogether transformative, reciprocal and miraculous. 
            The ego’s goal is separation and guilt.  The Holy Spirit’s goal is union and peace.  Your goal is to allow those whom you love to “rest in peace.”  And when you have decided to give this to everyone - to cease all demands, judgments and conflict with them, you will discover your own freedom.  You will have given yourself the gift of peace through your extension of it.  It is then that your relationship can truly become as God intended, “to make happy.”  For you will both indeed be happy at last. 
In a nutshell:
1. Our ego seeks special love relationships out of the desperate need to replace the very real and intimate relationship we forgot with our Creator; the memory we gave up when we decided to separate part of our mind from His Mind and come into these bodies.
2. Our ego uses the forthcoming drama and intensity of our special love relationships as one big external distraction to our minds in order that we do not look within and remember the holy relationship we have with God and each other.
3. We can undo, or reverse this situation by giving these relationships over to the Holy Spirit, to be healed and transformed by Him into holy relationships.
4. We do this, by withdrawing our ego from the situation entirely.  We reverse the “wanting” of the ego and replace it with the “giving” as the Holy Spirit gives.  We withdraw our judgment, demands, and guilt.  In essence, we give the other person total freedom, by “doing nothing.”  We release them from the responsibility of our happiness.
5. Once this is initiated, the Holy Spirit will step in and heal our relationship.  This may appear as loss and turmoil at first.  Sometimes people may appear to leave our lives as these adjustments are made.  The goal of the relationship has been shifted from conflict to peace, and this often causes great upset with the ego as it desperately tries to maintain the situation as it was.  This is a time to hold fast in good faith and continue to choose peace in the face of the temptation to be in conflict.
6.  The special relationship has now become a holy relationship.  Both parties are free, and with that freedom comes a full commitment to the continuing peace and happiness of the union. 
7. You do not lose someone by giving him or her total freedom from your control, guilt, and judgment.  You gain them - because no one wants to leave a relationship in which they feel free, happy, and at peace.



Elizabeth Geer